Day 3: What drives your life?

Much to ponder with this chapter.

Are there negative events or feelings driving your life? Boom. First example given is “Many people are driven by guilt”. How strange. I was just talking and crying with my husband about this very topic last night. And I hadn’t yet read this chapter. I am drowning in guilt. Ten years ago, married (albeit unhappily) and with three young children, I fell in love with another man. After a lot of painful deliberation, I chose love. I created so much pain for so many people by my selfish decision. The ultimate sin. It has haunted me since. Now, ten years later, I am still hopelessly in love and remarried to the new man. Our two families merged and we have created new, wonderful traditions and memories together. He is a good influence on my kids and yet they still have a strong relationship with their father too. But I still feel horribly guilty for my selfish act and I feel like I have continuously been punished since I made this decision. My husband and my shrink say that I should ask God for forgiveness and get on with life. That I am the one punishing myself, not God. Through this journey I hope I learn how to do this.

I whole heartedly believe in benefits of having a purpose in life. I like this quote and will probably hold on to it: “Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope.” I also like the quote “The greatest tragedy is not death, but life without purpose”. Finding this purpose is what is making me crazy.

Our Point to Ponder today is “Living on purpose is the path to peace”. God help me find this purpose.

Our Question to Consider is: “What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?” I asked my husband this first question and he said “motherhood”. I asked my son and he said “Supporting my family”. Hmmm. I’m surprised. I’m not the best mom and definitely wouldn’t describe myself as the typical June Cleaver. But it’s refreshing to hear others say this. I think my role as a mother is a driving force but not my whole purpose. I’m not sure what the rest of my family and friends would say. Probably “helping others”.

As for what I want my driving force to be… I do think my purpose is helping and supporting others. Specifically, I am passionate about kids. Out of high school I wanted to either be a child psychologist or a teacher. In both cases, I let others discourage me from these fields and changed my studies to computer science. After a good start to a career climbing the corporate ladder and finishing my MBA, once again I decided to turn to education and bought into a franchise providing computer education for children. I was in all my glory but I ran into bad people, bad decisions and bad circumstances and was forced to close the business and file for bankruptcy. Back on my feet, I used my education and experience to manage technology for a school district. Again, I was in all my glory but during the twelve years of service, I experienced a lot of grief and was finally forced out of my job. As passionate as I was to help, it’s obvious that they don’t want me. I decided to start a Charter School that could serve students that needed something different from the traditional public schools. That idea too went down the tubes. I thought I’d go back to school to be a teacher but that didn’t work out either. Therefore, I am confused. The one thing that I am so passionate about and would swear is my true purpose in life is obviously not my calling.