Day 3: What drives your life?

Much to ponder with this chapter.

Are there negative events or feelings driving your life? Boom. First example given is “Many people are driven by guilt”. How strange. I was just talking and crying with my husband about this very topic last night. And I hadn’t yet read this chapter. I am drowning in guilt. Ten years ago, married (albeit unhappily) and with three young children, I fell in love with another man. After a lot of painful deliberation, I chose love. I created so much pain for so many people by my selfish decision. The ultimate sin. It has haunted me since. Now, ten years later, I am still hopelessly in love and remarried to the new man. Our two families merged and we have created new, wonderful traditions and memories together. He is a good influence on my kids and yet they still have a strong relationship with their father too. But I still feel horribly guilty for my selfish act and I feel like I have continuously been punished since I made this decision. My husband and my shrink say that I should ask God for forgiveness and get on with life. That I am the one punishing myself, not God. Through this journey I hope I learn how to do this.

I whole heartedly believe in benefits of having a purpose in life. I like this quote and will probably hold on to it: “Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope.” I also like the quote “The greatest tragedy is not death, but life without purpose”. Finding this purpose is what is making me crazy.

Our Point to Ponder today is “Living on purpose is the path to peace”. God help me find this purpose.

Our Question to Consider is: “What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?” I asked my husband this first question and he said “motherhood”. I asked my son and he said “Supporting my family”. Hmmm. I’m surprised. I’m not the best mom and definitely wouldn’t describe myself as the typical June Cleaver. But it’s refreshing to hear others say this. I think my role as a mother is a driving force but not my whole purpose. I’m not sure what the rest of my family and friends would say. Probably “helping others”.

As for what I want my driving force to be… I do think my purpose is helping and supporting others. Specifically, I am passionate about kids. Out of high school I wanted to either be a child psychologist or a teacher. In both cases, I let others discourage me from these fields and changed my studies to computer science. After a good start to a career climbing the corporate ladder and finishing my MBA, once again I decided to turn to education and bought into a franchise providing computer education for children. I was in all my glory but I ran into bad people, bad decisions and bad circumstances and was forced to close the business and file for bankruptcy. Back on my feet, I used my education and experience to manage technology for a school district. Again, I was in all my glory but during the twelve years of service, I experienced a lot of grief and was finally forced out of my job. As passionate as I was to help, it’s obvious that they don’t want me. I decided to start a Charter School that could serve students that needed something different from the traditional public schools. That idea too went down the tubes. I thought I’d go back to school to be a teacher but that didn’t work out either. Therefore, I am confused. The one thing that I am so passionate about and would swear is my true purpose in life is obviously not my calling.

Day 2: You are not an accident.

I can’t really get my head around the whole “head of a pin” (anyone remember that movie reference?) theory of how God planned each of us and our lives in advance. Too deep for me so I just decided to quit trying to understand the how and just go with it. I do, however, believe that we were all created by God and it does provide a great comfort knowing that we were planned and God had a purpose for each of us. Just as I struggle to get my head around God’s grand plan, I also struggle with the opposite theory that we are all just random people living random lives day to day. Just like watching an anthill of nameless, faceless ants. The thought that if one of us jumped off a bridge today, it would not have an effect on anything or anyone. The anthill would just adjust for one less worker and life would go on. This is a scary and sad way to go through life. Many people think that believing in God is just our (us humans) way of dealing with this harsh reality of life so that we can make it through the difficult times of life.

The author writes “God made you so he could love you”. This reference I understand. It is just the way I think of my kids. I had them so I could love them and I will always love them.

The question to consider today is: “I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?” I don’t think I am struggling to accept myself. Sure… I wish I wasn’t quite so tall. I wish I could lose 20 pounds. I wish my skin was clearer and my hair thicker. But these issues don’t keep me from accepting myself. I come from pretty good stock and have had a good education. I have a loving husband and wonderful children. My problem is not necessarily accepting myself but accepting others – other people who have been cruel or unkind to me. Sometimes, that is difficult to understand.

Day 1: It all starts with God

Now I remember why I didn’t read this book – just opening to the first chapter and reading the title “It all starts with God”. My fears, doubts and skepticism of religious preaching wasn’t what I was after. I am a Type-A person. I set goals, make plans and methodically work the plan. "Plan the work and work the plan". I like things organized and structured. "There's a place for everything and everything has its’ place". I like to solve problems. I break down big issues into smaller manageable chunks and set forth a plan to solve them. “There are no big problems, there are just a lot of little problems”. It always seemed to me that it was this goal-setting, planning, organizing, problem-solving that helped you find happiness in life.

But I also have a deeper more reflective and soulful side that cares deeply about helping others and knows there must be more to life then moving through the paces day in and day out. I’m going through a very tough time right now. My plans and goals have been shattered and I have a lot of time on my hands to figure out how to get back on track. I’ve done a lot of reading and sharing my pain with others and everything I seem to read and hear relays the same message… I am not in control. God has plans for me and I have to follow his plan. Difficult to swallow when you are not a religious person. I’m not sure why I’m not. I’ve tried, or at least I think I have. But recently, the more I listened to others and the more I read, the more I got over my anxiety about religion and “God’s word”. Maybe that’s allowed me to open this book finally and at least try. I’m committing 40 days to this. Why not? I’ve spent the past 46 years avoiding/resisting religion, God, Christianity… surely I can spend 40 days trying to break down the walls.

Therefore, with an open mind, I read Chapter One. I love the simplicity of the first line “It’s not about you”. The author believes that God created us for his purpose. We’re here to understand and fulfill his purpose, not ours. Precisely the message I keep hearing lately, just in a different way. This tells me that I need to quit fighting so hard to achieve and follow my plans and follow God’s purpose. I really, really, really want to believe this. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to wait. I am trying to listen carefully and see the signs as to what this might be. I want to believe that is why God put me in this predicament right now. Not to punish me but to slow me down and make me go through this process. I want to believe that it is his work that introduced me to Yoga. To learn to be more aware of my body, my mind and my environment. I want to believe that all of this is God’s work and that he will guide my way. I want to believe this but again… as a Type-A control freak, I don’t do well waiting, wandering aimlessly without a plan or a target. This is WAY out of my comfort zone.

The author presents three insights from the bible verse quoted on page 20:
1. “You discover your identity and purpose through a relationship with Jesus Christ.”
Why does this make me cringe? What is my problem with saying that I want to build a relationship with Jesus Christ? Isn’t that what I’m asking for when I pray at night? Why does it seem so embarrassing and taboo to say out loud? Warren says “If you don’t have such a relationship, I will later explain how to begin one.” I will patiently wait with an open mind.

2. “God was thinking of you long before you ever thought about him. His purpose for your life predates your conception.” I want to believe this so badly but my logical side says this couldn’t be possible.

3. “The purpose of your life fits into a much larger, cosmic purpose that God has designed for eternity.” This is even more abstract but I’m trying to have an open mind. In fact, it’s exciting to think about how my lowly life fits into something larger and more connected. Right now though… I just want to know what that purpose is so I can move forward. Work towards something. Feel a sense of accomplishment.

Well, it’s one chapter, one day. Therefore, I can only “Type A” my way through one day at a time right now and so here is my plan:

1. I’ve started this blog as a way to force myself to reflect on my journey. It will help me to stick with my commitment without quitting. I also hope that others might find this and learn and share with me.
2. Through my yoga practice I’m learning more about meditation but like my spirituality, I tend to resist this too. Don’t like giving up control. So… I plan to start meditating each day of my 40 day journey. I will incorporate the “Point to Ponder” (this day it is “It’s not about me.”) into my meditation.
3. I am going to attend church on Sunday. I found a local church that I am interested in but have been afraid to go. I’m going to get up the courage to go this Sunday!